I have therapy in about 45 minutes.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Thankstaking. Friendsgiving. We need a new word. Can we break the shitty associations?
Anyway, Annie and I got to be with family. We all sat around the table to eat and drink and eat and drink. And we laughed and we all said a little something about why we were thankful.
I said I was thankful for inclusion. For how we were all including each other. How my relationship with my family of origin is characterized by exclusion, and yet, there I was, feeling included. Feeling like I belong. Feeling like we all felt we belonged. Mutual, self-sustaining belonging. Huh.
My Practitioner Is A Really Good Fit Thank Fucking God
I've been seeing the same therapist for close to two years now. I really lean on her; she has to hear all about everything. And she really listens. Offers perspectives I am usually too in my head to conceive myself. Validates me. Encourages me. Urges me to focus on living an authentic life. Calls me out on my bullshit.
I am lucky to have ended up with my particular practitioner. As you probably know, it's really hard to find any therapist and get into the whole therapy routine. To have found such a wonderful professional at exactly the right time in my life makes me very fortunate.
My therapist and I have only met once in person. Isn't that something? We live in the same city, but were connected during the heavy quarantine era of the pandemic, which meant virtual sessions. So that's the groove we got into. I think that's pretty common, actually. In fact, I would say there's something about virtual therapy that allows the sessions to go deeper quicker. There's no getting ready, driving to some office park, sitting in a waiting room and doing all the usual shit that keeps one so well armed and armored out in the world. It's just boom -- there we are. I appreciate that. Nevertheless, we are planning to meet again in person soon. Have coffee or something.
To Spew Is To Heal
So with the holiday yesterday and all the attendant feelings, there is a lot to talk about today. There's always a lot to talk about. But this feels kind of like fresh powder, you know? Lately we've been getting into inner-child stuff. Going back to where it all began. Thinking about that little boy and how he transformed into a depressed teen. Looking at the old photos. Feeling the feelings.
Lately I've been feeling really all over the place. Up and down. Feeling supremely confident one moment and like a total fucking loser the next. Stuff like that. Rapid cycling. I've been getting lower than I've gotten in a while. But it doesn't last long. I know what to do. But goddamn, I would really rather not go there.
I think leaving social media, for the most part, has been a step in the right direction. Fucking comparing myself to every other local yokel music person here in Albuquerque. Measuring myself and my status and my talent and my audience size against all these other fuckers and always coming up short. Forgetting about the central idea of all the stuff I'm trying to do -- it should be fun! Reining in my focus and perception has been pretty helpful, I'd say.
So yeah. Therapy today. Lots to talk about. We usually meet on Wednesdays. Today is "Black Friday," of course. We rescheduled because of the holiday. Good times.
I've learned that expressing this stuff, talking about it all and sharing it is the most healing thing. Goddamn, life feels so hard sometimes. And the solutions seem so impossible. So it's really cool that simply talking and expressing can do so much heavy lifting. Fucking spew, man. Fucking spew.
On Monday, I was feeling like a turd. And then yesterday, Thursday, I felt like I could never feel like a turd. Family. Relationships. Friendships. Connection. Authentic connection. Sharing space. Sharing food and drink.
And now today, therapy. This is good timing. I think I'm going to feel pretty good coming out of this.
Now I have therapy in six minutes. I should use the bathroom.
Do You Therapy?
What is your relationship with your therapist like? How long have you been doing it? Are you a creative person who is in therapy, too? I'm curious. All this kind of stuff is fascinating to me.